Lets talk Unsolicited Advice - and how to deal with it

Lets talk unsolicited advice, and how to deal with it

Unsolicited advice. It comes thick and fast once you’ve had a baby (and even in pregnancy too). Everyone has an opinion, and they really want to tell you about it!

So I wanted to share some ways to deal with all that advice (that you never asked for) that can leave you feeling overwhelmed, confused or somehow ‘not good enough’.

This is something that we spoke about in both my pregnancy yoga classes but also particularly in my mum and baby yoga classes and my baby massage classes a few weeks ago - unsolicited advice. And how people just cannot help themselves.

It often starts while you're pregnant. But then as soon as you have a baby, everyone, and I mean like everyone and anyone, seems to decide that they know exactly what you need to do with your baby. And they seem to know how you need to respond to your baby, and how you need to feed your baby, and where your baby should sleep, and what you should be doing too. Plus they have their own internal definitions of what a ‘good baby’ is. Hmmm a good baby - that's another that's another post in itself. But it is so common that everyone has an opinion - everyone. Your friends and family, your mother in law, and your neighbour and the person on the bus, and someone down the street and work colleagues - just literally everybody. It can be so overwhelming. So much information flying at you.

And it’s important to know that unsolicited advice is very different to you doing the asking about something you want support with. And this was the point that I was making when we were talking about this in my classes. Unsolicited advice, advice you do not ask for, but that is thrust forcefully upon you. Or sometimes it's just a little off the cuff comment dropped in - but they both can have the same negative effect on you. But that’s very different to you asking somebody I'm struggling with this, or could you help me with this, or what do you think about this? So you asking someone for their help for their support is very, very different.

And also know that is’s really normal and vital to ask people opinions or for their support. Whether that is a friend or family member or obviously a healthcare professional. Asking for support and advice and information is a different thing and that is also very necessary. You're not expected to know it all. And you're absolutely not expected to do it all on your own.

But this is different, very different. Really, really different to people poking their nose talking to someone else's business and telling them what they should do and what they shouldn’t do. That they know ‘the best thing ever’, and have a solution, have a ‘miracle cure’ that will solve every problem and so they tell you that's what you need to do too. Hmmmmmmm.

And it's the unsolicited advice that I think is really difficult to deal with. Because ultimately, if you are doing it differently to them then that can be a bit awkward. Or you can start to question yourself and if actually what you thought you were going to do, or are doing, is ‘the right thing’ after all.

Also it can be that the information or the advice that those people are giving you, doesn’t work for your baby or doesn't work for you and your family. So yes it might have worked for them, it may have been brilliant for them - but it might not work. Although you really were hoping that your baby would maybe put some more sleep cycles together and sleep a bit longer at night and that the magical cure you’ve been told about that this person almost is guaranteeing will help - but it might not work for your baby (there is no magical sleep cure, and young baby’s wake often to actually keep them safe, it’s actually a positive things - although yes it is exhausting).

And because your baby is not like their baby doesn't mean that there's something wrong with your baby, or something wrong with you - but it can feel that way. And that's the thing. It can feel that way whilst you are riding the roller coaster of emotions and hormones and sleep deprivation. It can really feel that way. You start to feel - well it must be me then, you can feel that ‘I should know I'm their mother’. You can feel that you’re doing something wrong. Because you’ve taken the magical advice - but your baby still isn't doing this thing that people tell me it should be doing. But we often have unrealistic expectations about babies and what they should/shouldn’t be doing. There's a lot of bullshit about that. A lot of myths, a lot of outdated thinking and practices. Sleep comes into that a lot. I have a separate blog post and a couple of podcasts all about sleeping expectations by the way. But that unsolicited advice can be hard to deal with, because it makes you doubt yourself and undermines your confidence and inner knowing. So here’s some things that can help…

1) Know you are not alone

So firstly please know that you're not alone in this. You are not alone, but it can often feel that way. You can feel that it's just you, that everyone's telling you to do these things with your baby because they think you can't do it. That you’re not qualified or not good enough. How on earth have they let me have this child without an instruction book or, or any knowledge is common thinking. Know that everyone gets this unsolicited advice. And depending on when it hits you that makes a difference. At some points it might just be water off a duck's back. You might be ‘Thank you very much’, smile, get on with it, ignore them. But other times - when you're feeling more vulnerable because you're sleep deprived, because you've had a bad day, because things are piling up, because your hormones are still roller coastering - then small little comments and pieces of advice (however well meaning they are) can really undermine you and just make you feel like crap. So know you're not alone in people saying these things to you. They do it to ALL mothers.

Also know that these people are trying to help you, they're seeing you maybe looking exhausted and struggling and they're trying to do it from a place of kindness (well hopefully they are!). But dealing with it can be hard.

2) How to respond

So secondly, thinking about (perhaps depending what the advice was, who gave it to you the manner in which it was given) ways you may want to respond back to them, how do you reply to this advice? Because if they are friends or family then you (probably) want to respond politely to them. Now of course if it is critical or rude or hurtful, then you may just want to tell them to sod off

But here are some phrases that might help:

~ Oh thanks for that. I'll have a look into it.

~ I appreciate your advice, but actually this is working well for us.

~ That sounds interesting, I might go and research that some more

~ I’ll ask my midwife / my health visitor / my doctor / my lactation consultant about it.

~ Oh that sounds amazing. I'm so pleased that work for you. We're doing it a bit. differently at the moment, but I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks.

~ Oh that sounds really interesting. Where did you read about that? or where did you get that information from?

Because, as I've said, there are lots of myths that aren't actually true and have no science behind them. But they get perpetuated about babies and behaviour and early motherhood and so on. So just something that's thanking them being polite, but, you know, not necessarily offending them (if you don't want to offend them) but also just kind of saying ‘thanks but no thanks’ in a polite away.

3) Take or leave the advice

And then the third thing you might do is to consider that advice and what to do with it. So asking yourself what you think. People are throwing this information at you. But is that piece of advice a nugget of gold? Or not. What they’re said could be an absolute godsend, or total trash.

So asking yourself these questions:

~ Does this resonate with me?

~ Does this sound like something I would like to do?

~ Is it helpful?

~ Is it from a source that is trustworthy? Where have they got this information from?

~ Does it line up with professional advice?

~ Might there be something there to explore?

Does it fit with my intuition? What is my gut saying? This is a really good question to ask as a mother, and really let that be a strong guiding force. It is so important in a world where we are bombarded with information continually, from external sources like social media, from professionals, friends, family. BUT what do we really truly think ourselves? What does our gut say? Our intuition as a mother that is such a strong compass to navigate your own unique path with your baby.

~ Is it a keeper for later?

And maybe it's something to tuck away for another time? Just to say ‘Oh, yeah, okay, that might be helpful in the future.’ So it might be a keeper for later.

Or you might just think that's completely rubbish, or that's completely not how we are as a family, or as a mother or how my baby is. And so you just literally chuck it. Just chuck, and it let it go. Not interested. Thank them kindly, but just let it go.

And so I think those things can be really helpful. You don't have to take people's advice. It's up to you. You might want to research it more. You might just know your instinct, and that your gut says no, no, thank you.

Also you might want to educate the person in a nice way because it might be if they are a mother and have children that they're following some advice that's actually out outdated and maybe you could be helpful to them.

Do not compare

Final thing I just wanted to say is just remember that comparing is not helpful.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ is something I firmly believe.

I think that is so very true in pregnancy, labour, birth and motherhood.

And just because something worked for someone else, it doesn't mean it is for you and your baby. So it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with your baby (obviously, so if you're worried about your baby in any way, speak to a health care professional about it). But you and your baby are unique. You are unique human beings, you will find your own way. It often takes time to do that. But your path will be different to everybody else's. And that makes it not so easy. Because if we did have such a thing as a textbook baby, or we could just follow a book, or if babies were robots, then it would be so much easier - but it wouldn't be anywhere near as magical.

So finding your own way I think is the most important thing, and working it out, and asking for help and support when you need it is absolutely vital. But the unsolicited advice, not required. I hopefully that given you some ideas and tips to deal with that unsolicited advice. Some little things that might help you deal with it and help you have a more positive, gentle, kinder, more self compassionate approach to all of that information that can be flung at you.

Get in touch with anything you’ve found helpful. Please let me know, I love to hear from you.

And please forward this to anyone you love, who might find these ideas helpful.

Susan x