Because 'good enough' mothering, IS good enough

A good enough mother is good enough

As mothers we can feel that we want, or need, to do ‘the best’ for our children. And of course that desire is strong and makes sense. We’ve created this human - we want to nurture it to the best out our ability.

But this can mean we put SO MUCH PRESSURE on ourselves. Particularly if we suffer from being a perfectionist, and have a strong inner-critic to go with it! Gah - we can only feel like we are doomed to fail, and that can mean so much stress and self loathing. It’s a serious downward spiral that helps no one.

This is why I really want you to know about ‘the good enough mother’ and how good enough IS absolutely good enough in motherhood.

Where does the concept come from?

This concept comes from the work of pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott who introduced the idea that aiming to be the “perfect” or “best” mother can cause some unintended problems for both you and your child.

Winnicott coined the phrase “good enough mother” way back in 1953. Yet many,many years later we’re all still trying to accept his cautionary wisdom. His message is that you don’t need to be “the best” mother to raise a psychologically healthy child who feels loved and nurtured. Instead you simply need to be a “good enough” mother who takes care of your baby’s basic physical and emotional needs. When your baby feels overall safe and loved, they will be able to tolerate and forgive your imperfections.

How can i apply this to my life?

The theory is really important to know. Yet of course applying it to your life and your own situation is easier said than done! Here’s some things that may help….

1) Being ‘good enough’ can sounds like a compromise, or like you’re lowering the bar. But could you take an actual looks at that bar, where it’s set, and who set it. Where did you idea of ‘perfect motherhood’ look like? From a mythical unicorn of social media motherhood perhaps? From things you remember from your own childhood, with those rose tinted spectacles on? Seriously think about this. Because real life is not social media squares, or the cherry picked childhood you remember. Real motherhood is everything - the good, bad and the ugly. And of course it is unique for each mother and each child - your experiences will not be the same as anyone elses. You have to navigate your own path, and do what you need to in your individual circumstances.

2) Ask yourself, how does the term ‘good enough’ feel to you? Like a relief, or like failure in some way. If it takes the pressure off and like a weight has been lifted then great. If the latter, then ask yourself - is this a pattern in your life? Do you always strive to be perfect, better, or best? Then it’s likely to carry through to motherhood too. So know you have a tendency to push yourself, but also know that motherhood is not a career, a project or training for a marathon. It’s not a competitive sport.

Motherhood is also a great opportunity to reflect on what can often be lifelong patterns of critical perfectionism. Ask who you feel is judging you - is it yourself?, so you feel it’s other mothers? (answer to this is no, they’re all caught up in there own schizz!), or perhaps your mother or your mother-in-law? Perhaps all of that in an imaginary gang in your head! But build the strength and resilience to do it YOUR way. Nothing can be perfect, it’s an impossible goal in anything in life, and certainly in parenting.

It’s a time to re-evaluate and be some kind and self-compassionate to yourself. Try it.

3) Know that ALL human are imperfect. You and your baby are both human, which means that perfection isn’t possible in any human relationships. We all have flaws, we all preceive ourselves as messing up. That is what human is about. We are not robots, but humans. Try to stop judging yourself so harshly. Would you judge a friend that way? Then stop doing it to yourself, please.

4) Stop thinking of motherhood as effortless all-giving, that you need to be a ‘mother martyr’. You don’t have to give everything to your baby or child. The healthiest approach to motherhood preserves space for your own physical, emotional, mental and social space. To remember that you are important to as a person, not just as a mother. This does absolutely not make you self=centred, or selfish, or uncaring or a bad mother. You are not these things. You are human.

5) Reset what a good day looks like. Reduce the expectations on yourself, stop putting too many things in the diary or overstretching yourself. Know that if you and your child (children) ate alive at the end of the day then it is a WIN, and that is all you need to achieve. Honestly.

When things go tits-up then know that happens to everyone, moving on and please do not beating yourself up about it.

6) Model imperfection to your child - it will help them as they grow up too

Aim for compassion and authenticity when you’re with your baby. When you get things wrong, then admit it, apologise to your child, talk about it, hug, and then move on. Model imperfection, so that as your child grows they know it’s OK to be imperfect and get stuff wrong too. This will make a HUGE difference to them as human - both children and adults.

The perfect mother isn’t a healthy model for your child, nor you. You don’t want your own child to learn that neglecting there basic needs in the context of any relationship is something to strive for. They need to know that sometimes you have to put yourself first, to be fit and well (and enable yourself therefore to look after others).

A marker of psychological wellness is being able to accept that none of us are perfect. Even if your child is perfect in your eyes, they are also human. So the sooner you can accept that you’re not going to be a perfect mother, the sooner you can start to prepare yourself that your baby is not going to be perfect either.

Winnecott wrote, since you are bringing your baby into an imperfect world, it’s more useful to accept that you are human too.

I hope this has been helpful. Because it is so important to know that healthy mothering IS good enough mothering. To know that perfect mothering is simply a myth and a pressure we put on ourselves. Remeber we all do it, and we all need to try to unlearn it

But if we could all give ourselves permission to be good-enough, then it would help women to speak more openly about this and to help to normalize the rollercoaster of emotions of motherhood and Matrescence. Hopefully reducing the guilt, shame and stress mothers feel, and maybe even the social isolation it can lead to.

You can also listen to my For Modern Mothers Podcast episode on 'Why being a 'Perfectly Imperfect' Mother is perfect for your baby'

It's all about the striving for perfection BS we have an mothers, with some tips and techniques to help

www.formodernmothers.com/episodes/11-perfectly-imperfect-mothering

Please take a listen and let me know what you think. There's also a lovely guided meditation at the end too

Susan x

PS If you want to join classes where we are VERY open to the realities of Motherhood and the imperfection of it all take a look at the whole range of my supportive classes and course at www.formodernmothers.com/motherhood